So, I feel kind of cranky over yesterday's post, and I feel like I should explain it a little.
Due to the way I was raised, I had to learn to not expect too much or get my hopes up about anything. Since my parents were pretty Bohemian-bordering-on-purely-psychotic, I was lucky if anything that was asked for or promised actually came to pass, and it almost never turned out the way you wanted it to. It sounds like a pretty fundamental, run-of-the-mill revelation for a four-year-old, but I mean that it was difficult to predict, sometimes, if anyone was going to make dinner. Or buy toilet paper.
From this, I learned to be self-sufficient from a pretty early age. I learned to cook by age 6, and by 9 or 10 I would walk up to the store (2 miles, along a busy highway with no sidewalks) with change that was dug out of the couch cushions to buy bread. I set my expectations low for other people, so that I could never be disappointed. The flip side was, if anything DID actually work out, I was always super surprised.
With my self-sufficiency, I had to develop the tools to do things that I didn't know how to do. I became an avid reader of instructions. I dug into encyclopedias and how-to books, I memorized lists of things. I watched and observed people around me, doing all the things they did, often uncolored by the need for social interactions. I was a bit moody and awkward, so I didn't have to justify my moods to any friends, and those friends that I did have generally gave me plenty of room and made sure I didn't hurt myself or anyone else. Hell, even some of them were my lab rats.
As an adult, when I decide to get into something, I research it pretty extensively. I don't just jump into anything. I'm patient and cautious about things, and I try very hard to control any of my impulses. I deliberate over major changes and only decide when I'm very sure that I want whatever it is, and that I have the tools to achieve it. The last big one was moving to New York. It's worked out beautifully, and partly because Carly and I did so much thinking and discussing beforehand.
My observation is that most people, when they find out they're going to have a baby, walk around with a bewildered, half-frightened smile plastered on their faces, and while they seem excited and happy about it all, there's a whole lot of "OH SHIT OH SHIT OHSHITOHSHITOHSHIT!!!!" going through their minds. I argue that there's no reason for this. Smart people should be better prepared, even if they weren't expecting to have a kid.
I mean, the whole process, from the time you find out, gives you between 5 and 9 months to get your shit together. I'm not implying that it is that easy, but it shouldn't be a big surprise when certain things come to pass, like the lack of sleep. My friend's comment about "now I know why all those people were smirking at me," tells me that he didn't really listen to them, didn't believe them or didn't pay attention.
I tell you: listen and observe and learn everything you can. Some of it is bullshit, some of it isn't. You should have the time to figure out why they were warning you about it... find out exactly how long it takes to get a kid to sleep through the night. In the book, Bringing Up Bebe, the writer points out that the French manage to get even fussy children on a sleep schedule in less than four months. So, get to work!
Carly and I have been researching pretty extensively since we first saw the signs of her being knocked up. I admit--for the first time in a long time, we forgot ourselves a little and started getting our hopes up about it--but as soon as the light started blinking, we were off to the library. I recommend everyone do the same, whether it is a baby, a car, a vacation, or even a new brand of socks. A little research goes a long way.
I don't want you all to think that I'm judging you in particular, or your parenting style is wrong, or that you're stupid or naive. I'm just trying to suck the mystery out of this thing, for my own benefit and maybe some of yours. The human species has been popping out babies for millions of years, so there's really nothing new under the sun. Of all the complications and strangeness that you might experience in your baby-making cycle, almost all of it falls within a very narrow slice of possibility. So, even if you get your hopes up, the end results are likely to fall close to the target anyway.
Well, there is only so much research you can do. It's a lot like losing your virginity - you can research THAT all you want, but until you've actually done it, you don't truly know what it's like.
ReplyDeleteSo it goes with the parenting. Research and plan all you like but until that kid actually gets earthside, you have no idea what it is going to want and be and do. None.
The best you can do is BE FLEXIBLE in your thinking and doing (something you have trouble with) have a collection of strategy. We did a lot of "XYZ seemed like a good idea/was in line with our 'philosophy' but was a spectacular failure, so we went with ABC."
I think you are over-thinking this, and that probably comes from a place of anxiety. You cannot control this experience. Some of it, sure, but so much is left up to chance, nature, and the Great Unknown.
Relax a little.
I agree in part and disagree in part. I am probably overthinking this, but it is not from anxiety. It's more of the way I approach any major effort or problem, which is to prepare for as many contingencies as I can reasonably foresee, and have plans in place for how to deal with them. It's not about control, it's about preparedness.
DeleteSo, instead of planning to do XYZ, I'm planning to do X, Y, or Z, as it comes up. And when ABC arrives, I want to have a set of instructions in my head for assembling whatever that requires, so I don't have to play catch-up, because I didn't plan for it. It's my general structure. I like to be prepared.
Anxiety comes from a place of worry, of fear of the unknown fear of some potential failure. I don't really have that, because I don't really have a lot of expectations or hopes for this process, except the general hope that we actually do have a live offspring at some point. And if that doesn't work out, we already have our contingency plan: get a new car and another dog.
I don't think that there is anything that a parent can experience that hasn't already been written about extensively. People have been getting pregnant and having kids for centuries. It's nothing new - but in today's entitled society, we all want to think that we are a special snowflake, and NOBODY ELSE KNOWS WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE ME.
DeleteStill, I think that a certain amount of lip service has to be paid to learning styles. A very simplistic explanation is this: some people are hands-on learners, and they don't fully understand how to do something until they actually perform the task once or twice. No amount of reading can prepare them. Other people learn by watching & reading. Other people learn by listening. None of these styles are "better" than the others. Of course, these models have shifted over the years, but it has been very, very clear that people absolutely DO NOT learn alike.
This can explain the disparity in how people think of child-rearing. Some people focus on the revelations they experienced - "OMG I never REALLY knew all of this until I had a kid!" Other people do a lot of reading and thinking, and emerge relatively unfazed by the whole process. Many others have a blended experience, which I assume we will.
Luckily, I've had a lot of experience with kids. My mom had my little brother when I was 14, so I got to spend a lot of time helping take care of him (I would get dirty looks in the supermarket because folks would think he was mine). I had a chance to do everything except for the physical child-bearing, food-producing part. Babies have never been a big deal for me.
I thoroughly expect my life to change in a qualitative, measurable fashion. Less sleep. Fewer concerts. More food-stained clothes. Etc etc. But as for the revalatory philosophical changes in my brain - I don't see it happening for me, aside from the hormonal brain changes during pregnancy.
You hear all about the "no sleep" stuff, and get ready for it... hmm. I pretty much agree with Rachel here. Now that we have a baby, and she sleeps through the night, and maybe gets up once in the night, you seem to find a lot of people that now say "well, ya know, my first baby was like that and the second one was up all night." Or "You got lucky, some babies are good and some are fussy" Which to me can be translated into "Everyone gives you a little b. busting before the baby is born, but now that you are into the raising a baby stage, you know the real deal."
ReplyDeleteI didn't read a single page about baby raising, but I had a pretty good working knowledge by the verbal folklore that is passed through the ages. I always told (tell) myself that single mothers and unemployed and uneducated people raise kids at the age of 18 all the time. Some of those kids actually turn out a-ok. In fact, I would say that most of them turn out at least c+ok. (And if you paid attention in that trial advocacy class, you might guess that is about where I ended up (and you would be right).)
Having a baby is about the easiest thing for people to do. Otherwise there wouldn't be six billion people living on this planet, including people living stone-age in regions where there is ice on the ground 2/3rds of the year.
So don't worry about it and just let things take their course. I am pretty confident that you will do a good job.
The thing is, I don't have a lot of wealth of that verbal folklore, and I didn't spend a lot of time around babies when I was growing up. I was the youngest and it was a long time before any of my relatives started popping out kids, so I am lacking that foundation. That's why I'm doing the research now, so I don't have to catch up later. I don't like not knowing what to do, and I actually have a relatively hard time adapting if I haven't thought about something for quite a while ahead of time.
DeleteI do think it should be quite easy, even if it is hard work at times. That's kind of my point in all of this--you don't have to dress up the process of having children, and you don't have to be surprised by any of it. The knowledge of how to do it is ingrained in our chromosomes and all over the internet. Push the marble down the ramp and at the end, you have a college drop-out, just like you!
I appreciate your confidence in me, though! From someone who has successfully produced children, I take that with great, chest-puffing pride.
I take exception to your perception of your parents. We had to work and work hard to make it. While you were children, Dad had 2 others (and an insane exwife) that we had to pay child support and pay attention to. We also had our own lives. We haven't been straight all our lives, and you may think things were pretty fucked up, but we did what we had to do in some cases to get by. We didn't have help from any family. Hell, I didn't even get baby showers for either of you! And, keep in mind, you graduated from college ( NOT without help). You can't pick your parents, but you can appreciate that you are still alive and weren't drowned as a baby in the bathtub. LOL! (Reference to an old Dragnet episode.)
ReplyDeleteSo, like your sister said, you are overthinking this process. When it happens, it will happen!! Just enjoy the process of making it happen and don't worry about it! Took us 7 months to get Rachel in the cooker. Then, you can raise your child in the best way you know how, under whatever circumstances you find yourselves in.
I'll spoil it, of course!
MOM
I'm not saying I had a horrible life, just that it taught me to be more self-reliant than most people. And while you had difficulties that I didn't perceive at the time, I'm talking about my subjective experience and how it made me who I am. It's not a judgment of you or how you raised me, just a historical survey of the trailer park years. I have benefited from it tremendously. I have the tools to survive almost anywhere and overcome just about any obstacles I have placed in front of me. I have a keen sense of priorities and efficiencies. And I'm pretty good at chess and drawing.
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