If I had a Twitter account...

I don't have a Twitter account. I don't really want one except, maybe, to follow food trucks I like. I just don't see the utility. It is a mainstay of popular culture right now, but I think it's a vestige waiting to be vestigial. It's basically just texting to the universe. I'm hoping, in the near future, I'll just be able to send smellxts or something. Fart on U!

Anyway, a few things came up lately that I thought would be tweet-worthy. If I did that.

1. "Right after a shower is the only time you can dry your balls and then dry your face and not wonder, 'what's that ball-smell?'"

2. "WIFE GAVE ME THE PLAGUE STOP REPLACING BLOOD WITH GIN AND OR MEAD STOP NOTHING CAN SURVIVE IN THERE FULL STOP"

3. "Trying to teach my toddler the words to 'Pussy Galore' by the Roots... for daycare sharing circle."

I don't really have much of an outlet for my awful thoughts. After our week-long vacation in the mountains around Asheville, NC, I noticed that my creative brain really woke up. I started seeing in color again after a long period of government and law-induced sepia. And now, about three weeks later, it's almost dried up. My funny thoughts just seem cruel.