From the archives: Stark Merriweather

About 4 years ago, a friend from college popped up in my Facebook feed and asked if I'd like to join him in playing a role-playing game online. He wanted to use the Roll20.net app to run a game called Lamentations of the Flame Princess. The game was designed by some insane expat living in Scandinavia and is based on very old-school Dungeons & Dragons. The rules are stripped down and have a kind of crazy ineptness built in. They are meant to be loose rules to allow for more robust storytelling.

My friend, Methuselah (actual name), asked us to come up with characters in his world, and I created this:

"I have always had a special relationship with fish," said Stark Merriweather, in response to the question of whether he would like syrup on his flapjacks. Stark, along with his brothers, Drab and Gloom, were the scions of an ancient family of apocalyptic cultists with an unfortunate name. As was tradition, Stark, being the third-born son, was groomed as the vessel for one of the Ggrrbbrrsshhrrnth, beings from the Unknown that would shepherd the world into Blessed Darkness. When Stark was born, the signs foretold that he would be the One to Put the Light Out, and the cycle of Darkness would truly begin.

Stark grew up learning the Sacred Words, drinking the Holy Blood, and eating the Less-Holy Gut-Meats. He knew what the copper axe over the stove was for, and left a plate of cream out for the Things Under the Bed every night, until he was Too Old for That.

When the Foretold Day came, Stark's family performed all the Essential Rites, bathed him in the Correct Oils, and lit the Necessary Fire. They chanted and howled and blasphemed, and when the somewhat gibbous moon was at its apex, they Opened the Door and summoned the Ggrrbbrrsshhrrnth from the Unknown. The Ggrrbbrrsshhrrnth opened its infernal beaks, waved its spiny fronds, and let forth a nasally trumpeting roar, filled the chamber with the smell of durian fruit, and exited this world.

Maybe it was his crooked teeth, or his lazy eye, or maybe just the way that he stood there, awkwardly grinning, but the results were clear: the Blessed Darkness would not come this generation. Stark's parents, Overcast (father) and Tiffany (Overcast's second wife, who went to the same school as Drab and Gloom and is reviled by the older brothers), didn't exactly tell Stark to leave, but made it clear that all of the family's hopes and dreams had rested on him and he had performed quite poorly, indeed. So, they paid for Stark to go to a distant trade school, bought a one-way passage on a ship, nibbled his ears, and wished him bad-bye.

Stark Merriweather, Magic User