The Blue Couch of Sleep

When I was young, I could stay awake for days through sheer force of will. It didn't take much, really. I've been an insomniac since I was 12. Around the time the worst of my parents' problems started to simmer down, I stopped sleeping regular hours. I might have had trouble before, but I can't remember. I know I have been a night owl most of my life, but before we moved out of the trailer park, I remember sleeping. Sleeping deeply. Sleeping without caring. Oblivion because I needed it to escape all the things I knew were around me. It was a world of dreams and long, slow breaths.

But from about 12 on, I barely slept. Four hours a night most weeks, less some. I used that state to engage in a sleep experiment when I was 15. I stayed awake for six and a half days. When I finally went to sleep, I was hallucinating. When I woke up, I ate half a refrigerator. When I woke up again, I started to mythologize. I might have made it all up.

For all this time, I barely dream. Or if I do dream, I don't remember it. Sometimes I do. Vivid things that are way too close to reality. But most of the time, I just close my eyes and open them again a few hours longer.

I still don't sleep well, but I do sleep. Now I'm closer to 6 or 7 hours a night. Last night, I went to bed at 10 and woke up at 7. My alarms went off around 6 am, and I remember that, but I was only going through the motions. I woke up for real around 6:48. My two alarms are songs. "Head On (Hold Onto Your Heart)" by Man Man at 5:51 and "U.R.A. Fever" by The Kills at 6:13. Beep beep. Beep. Doooo--Beep.

And we have this blue couch. I picked it out and bought it on credit after we got the house. It's the style Carly likes. Fake mid-century modern. Blue like I like. They called it "azure." It's blue. Blue like lapis lazuli. Just wonderful blue. It's not super comfortable--the back is stiff and inflexible. You sit on it, not sink into it. It's a foam-stuffed board. But I fall asleep on it if I don't pay attention. I never fall asleep on the couch, but this couch, I fall asleep on it twice a week.

I had to wake up to write this. Now I'm going to try to finish watching this episode of "Hannibal" and go to bed after.