(On reflection, he wasn't bored. I'm not sure what he was, but it wasn't bored)
So we started looking for proper pre-schools to enroll him in. One of the first we found was Casa de Montessori, just up the street from us. We scheduled visits and open houses and signed the papers. The people seemed to have their shit together and their classes were well-run. It looked like the kind of independence the Wolf needed and the subtle complexities of the work felt like a good challenge.
You can Google what a Montessori school is and how it works. The short version is that it's not like a conventional schoolroom environment. The kids have kind of independent run of a classroom, which is set up with work stations or areas with particular tasks. While there are teachers, the kids just kind of pick up lessons as they go and there's not a lot of central control of the classroom.
For the first few months, the Wolf seemed to be thriving. He was excited to go to his new school and met all kinds of new friends. Hell--we met new friends through the place. A little family down the street is now in our friend circle. He told us about his incomprehensible lessons ("I scooped macaroni! I folded clothes!") and seemed to be picking up on things around the house. He liked to help clean the dining room table and was more interested in helping out with chores and making dinner. His independence certainly spiked--he was climbing up on counters and getting into things like... the dishes. He liked to set the table.
One thing that was wrong was that he was required to take naps. He was enrolled in the half-day program, which meant he went to the "toy classroom"/daycare room for the latter half of the day. In there, he got to play with toys, do dress up, set tables for snacktime, and ... take a nap. At Auntie Joyce's house, he had grown out of the naps and was on a good schedule. But with naps, the guy wouldn't go to bed until late--some nights as late as 11pm. The teachers remarked on those days that he was really cranky when he got up from nap and would be somewhat defiant. We told them--don't let him nap.
In December, though, the teacher called us in for a conference. The Wolf, it seemed, wasn't getting it. He was too unfocused, "didn't seem to be in control of his body," had a short attention span, wanted to talk to kids more than do work, needed adults to help him with work, would spontaneously run over and hug the teacher while she was conducting lessons for other kids, didn't obey class boundaries, used "funny words" like "poop" and "butts," and a list of other frustrations. He would cry a lot if he didn't get something he wanted or if other kids wouldn't share. He always wanted to be at the front of the line, to be the line leader. He talked a lot, asked questions like "are we reading books now?" He would do part of a lesson and get bored, then go talk to other kids.
The teacher waxed thoughtful and told us that he was a sweet kid, maybe too sweet. She mused that the Wolf would get beaten up in school if he acted like that when he went to grade school. She warned that he wouldn't have friends because he was annoying. She suggested that we should have him checked out by a psychologist.
He happened to have a doctor's appointment around that time. The doctor listened to all those concerns and nodded and said, "He's a four year old boy. What do you think he's going to do?"
We went back to the teacher and suggested that he get more one-on-one time, maybe in the afternoons when fewer kids are around. Oh, and don't let him nap. She said she'd see what she could do.
After the holiday break, things changed. At first we thought it was just the long break from the routine, but that changed. More on that later.
In January, we got the first report that the Wolf had hit a teacher. Wait, no, teachers. Hard. He's a pretty big kid, so when he kicks you, it's not a small thing. He was kicking and hitting and saying horrible things. "I'm going to smash the school down!" We had talks with him, worked on anger management techniques--take a deep breath, take another, stomp three times, explain why you're mad, say you're sorry, DON'T HIT, HITTING IS BAD, etc. The teachers seemed to be on board. He was always really remorseful when he calmed down, and a really sweet kid most of the time. His violence was shocking, we were convinced that it was a passing thing.
It wasn't. It was spilling over at home. He'd hit me, Carly, even went over and hit the baby (with a very soft blanket) once. He'd speak horrible curses and find ways to get under your skin. If you told him you liked the Cars 3 movie, he'd say, "I'm going to smash the Cars movie. I don't like it anymore!" Just everything was wrong. It was impossible to get him up in the morning and he would throw tantrums when he got home. It got worse, both at home and at school. Carly was seriously thinking about taking him to a psychologist, worried--partly due to the reports of school shootings on the radio over the last few months--that he might be starting down a dark road. Often, when we dropped him off at school in the morning, he would turn straight around and ask to go home.
It came to a head when he hit a teacher, threatened to pee on other kids' heads, and threw a massive tantrum over a cookie (some kid brought in cookies for his birthday, the Wolf wanted a second one, and was told no... so he blew up). They put him in the daycare room to calm down and called me. When they put him on the phone so I could talk to him, he sounded miserable. "I want to go home, Daddy, will you come get me?" Luckily, I was working from home, so I could come and get him. He was an emotional wreck, but seemed to be in a good mood. The teacher told me he hadn't gotten back to the classroom yet (it had been over an hour).
I packed him up and brought him home. When I asked him about the tantrum he was embarrassed and remorseful. Even though it was only noon, he asked to go lay down and went to his room and cried. I asked him what was going on at school and he said he didn't want to go back. "I don't have any friends anymore."
Then we had another conference with the teacher. This time, it was more of the same--kid's unfocused, doesn't pay attention, gets in the way of other kids' learning, can be emotional--and the teacher added that he'd become increasingly emotional and violent. She said, "now, all we're doing is just trying to get through the day." They would just smile and try to appease him when he was mad. They'd send him to another room if he was disruptive. There was this game he'd play--he'd hide in the coat closet and when kids came in, would take their coats and hang them up, then stay in the coat closet... sometimes for hours. They would let him do whatever he wanted and not try to stop him or interact with him because he'd explode if they did. The teacher said that she was willing to try anything, that he was a good kid, but all this couldn't continue.
I had a revelation at that point. I started to see that the problem wasn't the Wolf--it was the school. They didn't know how to deal with him. He was more outgoing and creative than they were used to, and rather than spend the time to work with him and focus him on things, they just... ostracised him. Where his disruptions used to turn into, "Jackson, stop bothering them and come here to learn things" (the correct way), they turned into "Kids, don't play with Jackson. Do your work." He didn't have friends because the teachers were warning other kids to NOT interact with him. When he was left alone in his closet game, while he might have had fun, it was on his own, and no one participated by trying to get him to come out. Hide-and-Seek only works if someone seeks. He was left alone... no wonder he didn't want to listen to the teacher and saw her as a threat. She was threatening him.
And we started recalling that the times when we dropped him off and he turned right around and wanted to go home--those were the days where this particular teacher was there and no one else. Our schedules were such that he was usually one of the first kids there. If he saw that he'd be alone with the one lady, he was scared and wanted to leave. I don't know what might have gone on with her, but I don't think I want to--it would be bad if I had details.
All of this meant that my kid was sad, depressed, frustrated, and lonely. And it was because of this school. We called our old daycare lady, and Auntie Joyce was happy to take him back, without hesitation. We arranged it, and sent notice to the Montessori school--we will no longer be bringing our son to that place.
It has been a few weeks and the change is remarkable. The Wolf is really back to his old self. It took a little adjustment, but now, he's just damned happy all the time and gives hugs to everyone. He doesn't throw tantrums so often, and when he does, they're short and easily remedied (food). He has recovered pretty well and we're glad we rescued him from that situation.
I've got a lot of residual anger over the situation. I get how my kid might not have fit the Montessori mold, but the effect of ostracising him was that he was depressed. From the way he reacted to the one teacher, I think he may have even been bullied--by an adult. It's a terrible thought that adults would act that way toward a child in their care, but .... it's over now. Kid is safe, and we're all moving forward, trying to get him ready for kindergarten in the fall.
And now, this: one of Jack's favorite songs.
